Family Ties

When you first get married, finding the balance between starting your new ,independent family and keeping your family ties can be really tough. You have this new spouse and you want to make your own traditions,and rules but it can be hard when you have the influence of your family constantly telling you their advice (most of the time given without being asked).  I know couples that as soon as they get married, they move far away from their families and do not have much contact. They are so focused on making sure they live their own life and separate themselves that they forget the benefits and blessings to having good strong relationships with their family. On the flip side, I also know couples how have very close relationship with their parents, and that could have a negative impact on the couple's relationship. There needs to be a balance. You shouldn't cut off your family completely, but you also should not be dependent on your parents anymore. In the Bible it talks about this very thing.  In Genesis 2:24 it says, "Therefore, shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife;and they shall be one flesh."  We should be cleaving to our spouse! We should be turning to them and looking for them for support. When there are problems in the relationship, cleave to your spouse. 
Couples need to counsel together and if you do gain advice from other people, make sure to bring it up with your spouse and talk about it. In an article written by Harper and Olsen, it talks about this very thing. It says,"President Kimball identified some important points regarding family relationships. First married children should confide in and counsel with their spouses. Second, if possible, they should establish their own household, separate from their parents. Finally, any counsel from outside soured should be considered prayerfully by both spouses together." There is a lot of wisdom that we can gain from our parents and we should always appreciate that. But parents also need to respect their children and let them make the decisions for them and their spouse.




Source:Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families."

Leading by Example

We all want to be the best parent for our children. Even for those that do not have yet children (including myself), we still want that goal and hope to achieve it. There are so much parenting books and sometimes it can be overwhelming, but there is something that I have noticed that seems to be working pretty well. Leading by example.
Children are very observant and they are watching you even when you think they are not. The way we treat our spouse is so important because that is how our children will think is okay to treat someone. If you are treating your spouse with love and respect, your children will see that and have those same values. I think it is so vital that children see their parents respect on another. I have an uncle and aunt whose relationship can definitely benefit from this reading. Growing up, I would hear my uncle call his wife stupid or dumb in front of the children and my aunt would tell him to quit it but it was never taken seriously. Then the children would call their mom stupid or tell her to shut up. It is seriously so sad and very frustrating to watch this play out. It is so important that the spouses shows respect toward each other, especially in front of the children. The kids will see that and will copy that behavior.

I also believe that we need to not be afraid to set boundaries with our children. There is a quote by President Kimball that says,""Discipline is probably one of the most important elements in which a mother and father can lead and guide and direct their children.... Setting limits to what a child can do means to that child that you love him and respect him. If you permit the child to do all the things he would like to do without any limits, that means to him that you do not care much about him". The last part of this quote is what really stuck out to me about the importance of having limits and when we do not, that shows we do not care about them. I mean if we truly cared about our children, we would set up boundaries and enforce those boundaries even when it gets hard. It's proven that kids NEED structure and as parents we have a duty to give that to them. Children needs parents, not friends.
These are just a few things that I have learned that I thought I would pass on to any parents or future parents.

Let's Talk About Sex, Baby!

Did you grow up with parents that had healthy conversations to you about sex? Or was sex taboo? I know for me my parents never talked to me about sex. I had to learn about sex from my friends and I wish that wasn't the case. I believe whole-heartedly, that parents should be having open conversations with their children about their body and about sex, so when they are about to get married there will be no surprises. Sometimes I feel like talking about making love is taboo in our mormon culture because we talk about how wrong it is outside the bonds of marriage. I feel like we need to do better about talking about how it is a beautiful gift from God and that we need to embrace the want to be physical with our spouse. This way people won't feel so uncomfortable when it comes to the time when they are actually married and are allowed to make love with their spouse. It is SO important that we talk about this sacred topic and for people to be informed! Not only the mechanics behind it, but also the reason why we have these sexual desires. I believe that it is important to be honest about this conversation, but also still be respectful. Sexual intimacy is an extremely sacred thing between a husband and wife and it should be treated as such.

There is an article call "Fullfing the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage" by Sean E. Brotherson and he talks about many great topics about sexual intimacy in marriage. It is so important that you keep an open and honest conversation open about your sex life, because when needs are not talked about, that is when feelings get hurt. Brotherson says,"I love the quote,”So often when a husband and wife talk to each other about their sexual needs, their conversations are … indirect, imprecise, inconclusive. Frequently both partners are in a hurry to end the conversation, hopeful that they will miraculously understand each other's desires without much talk … The problem is that the less clear you are about what you do and don't want, the less likely you are to get it. Sex can be such a fun way to share with each other and deepen your sense of intimacy. But when communication is fraught with tension, then frustration and hurt feelings too often result”. Sex should not be a burden in the marriage. God created us to have this sexual desires for a person, so that we can bond with our spouse in an intimate way.

Avoiding Gridlock

Has there ever been a situation in your relationship where you both cannot come to an agreement? You are going round and round and just can't seem to come to an argument. Many couples have their "gridlock" problems. How do you cope with these gridlock problems? Do you let it affect your whole marriage? Dr. Gottman talked about how an important aspect into avoiding gridlock is to ,”…spend some extra time on strengthening your fondness and admiration and practice turning toward each other”. It is really hard to look past certain problems or even work on them when you are turned away from each other. I have noticed this with the relationships in my life. For example, in my last relationship, there was a big issue that needed to be worked on and we were definitely deadlocked. But when we were not talking about the problem, we were fighting about other little things that were not important. Instead of focusing on the things that we enjoyed of each other and turning towards each other, we did the exact opposite and it eventually lead to the end of the relationship. This is what you do not want to do. Strong marriages do not let these gridlock problems overcome their entire marriage. You need to have that separation and focus on the good things going on in your marriage.

99 Problems, But My Marriage Ain't One!

Do you feel like your marriage is a constant battle, or there are just problems that will NEVER go away no matter how hard you try to fix them. Well, you are not alone. According to Dr. Gottman, about 69% of marriages problems are perpetual. This means that these problems never truly go away. People who are in successful marriages learn how to deal with these problems, while marriages who fail crumble to the pressure of these problems. Something that people in a happy marriage do to help with these perpetual problems is approaching them with a sense of humor. I feel like this is a common answer to many problems in a marriage. But it makes sense! Having a sense of humor helps cut the tension and relieve the stress that can come from a potential stressful conversation. These couples also recognize that these problems may never go away, but they avoid situations that worsen them. I think it is important that we recognize that marriage WILL come with problems. When two unperfect people marry, it is only inevitable. I think it is also important to remember that there are going to be things that our partner does that annoy us from time to time. We need to focus on what is important. Something that I learned that I think is important is to be able to recognize what kind of problem you are dealing with. Knowing the difference between a situational problems and perpetual problems is something that can very beneficial.

A situational problem is problem that IS solvable, but can still be a pain in the butt. A couple needs to have the proper technique to deal with problems (no matter what kind) to really have a successful marriage. Here are five steps that Dr. Gottam suggests doing to help solve problems:
1) Soften your start up
2) Learn to make and receive repair attempts
3) Soothe yourself and each other
4) Compromise
5) Process any grievances so that they do not linger

Practice these steps in any marriage and it will most definitely help strengthen your marriage!

Humble and Kind

I feel like the biggest culprit to many failed marriages is pride. When we have pride in our hearts, we are unable to think of our partners needs but instead only think of ourselves. There are so many things that can cause a wedge between you and your spouse if we choose to let pride overcome our hearts. Games such as bringing up your spouse’s faults or giving them the cold shoulder can really be detrimental to your marriage. When we play games like that, we are not thinking about our partner anymore. We are only thinking of ourselves and trying to either make our self feel better or trying to tear down our partner. Either way, that is absolutely no way to treat anyone, including your spouse. When situations like these occur, humility and charity are not present in the marriage. We have to be willing to change and admit when we are wrong. We need to have the pure love of Christ is our marriage and constantly serve our partner without expecting anything back in return. When you start to put your partner in front of your own needs and really think of their feelings, you allow love and humility fill you heart. I really do believe that serving each other is a HUGE way in making sure that pride does not take an affect in your marriage. When you serve and love each other, you forget to be selfish and become selfless.






There is a song by Tim McGraw and there is a lyric that I really like in it. He says:
"Don't expect a free ride from no one
Don't hold a grudge or a chip and here's why:
Bitterness keeps you from flyin'
Always stay humble and kind"

I like this because it is so true!! There are going to be times in our marriage when our spouse isn't necessary our favorite person but we need to forgive quickly and forget. Bitterness and pride will keep us from having a happy and successful marriage. If we remember to always stay humble and kind then we will live a very happy life.

What are your "Bids"?

Have you wondered how in tune you actually are to your spouses emotional cues? For example, say your spouse is putting your clothes in the laundry and they keep sighing pretty loud. Do you just ignore this? Or do you ask them is something is bothering them? Doing something so simple, such as asking is there is anything wrong, can really bring you and your spouse together. The reactions we have to our spouse is so critical to the way our relationship will be. If our spouse says a “bid” that comes off as harsh, we can do one of two things. One, you can become defensive and say something in return super rude which can lead into a argument. Or you can recognize that your spouse is frustrated and respond in a calming way that help your spouse feel better. When you do this,”partners are making a choice to turn toward each other rather than away”. It can definitely become difficult when your spouse says something harsh to you and you want to fight back. But if you want a lasting and loving relationship, you are going to have to give up those tendencies and really try to ask yourself,"Is there a deeper meaning become this harsh remark?". Asking yourself can really help save you and your spouse a lot of time from having fights over nothing.

Everything that we do in this life is a choice. Everything we say and every single reaction that we have is a choice. We can choose to simply ignore our spouse's bids for attention or we can take personally every single thing they say. But,when in reality, it is about something else.We have two choices on how we can react to our partner and that can dictate the rest of the day for you both. When our partner snaps at us, we can either become defensive and snap back right back at them, or we can take a deep breath and react in a more loving way. I love the concept of turning towards our partner, not away.
Becoming emotional aware of our partner and their needs is SO important to having a healthy and happy relationship.

Our Love Maps

Have you ever thought what you can do to better your love life? One of my favorite authors is Dr. Gottman! He gives such amazing advice on how to have a lasting and loving relationship. One of the things that he talks about is building your love map. Dr. Gottman uses this term to describe the part of your brain where you keep all the relevant information about your partner's life. It is so important that you have a friendship in your marriage. You need to be constantly learning about your partner so you can have that solid foundation. You need that strong foundation, especially whens things get rocky. Gottman talks a lot of about we can DO to help build our love map. I am not married, but I am dating someone right now and although things are still pretty new, I am excited to do some of the exercises together with him so that we can continue to build a stronger relationship with each other. Some of these exercises include asking about your partner their favorite things, or their hopes and fears. Questions that range from getting to know you to really deep questions. It is SO important to keep that flame alive.  When big changes happen during our happen (which they will), we will be better equipped to deal with them if we have that strong friendship and the ins and outs of our partners life. 


We also need to recognize that none of us is perfect. We all have a long way to go to become as Christlike as our leaders have urged us to become. Brother Christensen once said,"Avoid ‘ceaseless pinpricking.’ Don’t be too critical of each other’s faults. Recognize that none of us is perfect. We all have a long way to go to become as Christlike as our leaders have urged us to become‘Ceaseless pinpricking,’ as President Spencer W. Kimball called it, can deflate almost any marriage. … Generally each of us is painfully aware of our weaknesses, and we don’t need frequent reminders. Few people have ever changed for the better as a result of constant criticism or nagging. If we are not careful, some of what we offer as constructive criticism is actually destructive”. I think it is so important that we do not focus so much on our partner’s faults, but rather their positive. 
By doing these simple things, we will be able to help give our marriage a lasting chance!

Sources:The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work By Dr. Gottman

How To Argue

How you ever wonder what you could to do to help you and your significant other lesson the damage when you get into arguments? Have arguments become so bad that you are beginning to question your partner or relationship? You are not alone! There are so many couples out there that have many problems in their marriage and every time they try to work it out, it just becomes a fighting match. I may not know all the answers, but I will share you some things that I have learned that I feel will help! 

I love this quote! It is so true. A marriage that is built on a friendship, truly helps a marriage last. Why is this? When things get tough, when arguments arise, what do you have to fall back on? Do you have that friendship? That friendship helps minimize negativity that can come from arguments. For me personally, whenever things started to get heated when I am talking with my boyfriend, he will grab my face and push my checks together. I always end up laughing and it breaks that tension that was beginning to rise. That may sound annoying to some people, but because we have that playfully friendship, we both find it funny. I feel like every couple needs this in their relationship. It's that mutual understanding of wanting to bring things back down to a calmer level, without verbally saying anything. 

Respecting and honoring each other is so important to having a healthy relationship. If we are doing both of those things, then even when arguments and problems do come up, both people in the relationship will be able to work through. When we change our base perspective from being 'I defend my version of happiness' to 'what would make us both happy?", it really allows you to put your partners needs in front of your own and helps you become a more selfless partner. These times of relationships are the ones that truly last.

Temple and Marriage

A goal that I personally have strived to kept is to get married in the temple. Being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, you are brought up always hearing about temples. I also had parents that would frequently talk about their temple marriage and I would see them go on regular trips to the temple. I may have been too young to understand what exactly they were doing, but I did know that it was something important to them. I do feel like my parents could have done a better job at explaining the "why" of going to the temple.  I do feel that  because the temple is such a sacred place and the ordinances that are taken place are so special, we may not speak about it. But I believe that if we teach our teach in the correct and appropriate way about the temple, then they will be able to have the desire to go through the temple themselves one day. I hope to make temple trips a regularly thing when I get married and hope that my children will see our example and following our footsteps.


Going to the temple regularly with your spouse, I believe, is just one of many ways that we can strengthen our marriages. Making sure that both partner put in 100%, and not just 50% of their themselves in a relationship is so vital for the survival of a strong marriage. Marriage requires sacrifice. I think it is naive to think that marriage is easy. No matter how compatible you are with your spouse, there are going to be stresses that come and test your marriage. But if you have the mindset of having a covenant marriage, you will have the strength to work through anything.

Gay Marriage: Why Should We Care?

Have you ever asked yourself,"What does it matter if gay marriage is legal? It's not directly affecting me so shouldn't I let people of the same-sex get married?". If you have, you are not alone. I even know a lot of LDS people who have these thoughts even though the Church clearly states that same-sex marriage is against the standards of the church. Society tells us that we have no right to deny people the right to decided who they want to marry and deny them that happiness. Society tells us that our belief is wrong and that are have no right to believe that marriage is between a man and a woman. You may feel that because of the ruling from the Supreme Court, all of the justices feel that way as well. But in fact, three of the justices were against gay marriage and that had very interesting arguments. When you are in a discussion with someone about gay marriage, you can use these three points that the Justices used in their argument.

One argument that the Justices use was Judge Roberts brought up was how much of the reasoning they provided could be used for plural marriage. Now that marriage has been redefined to include gay marriages, what keeps it becoming redefined for plural marriages? I feel like a lot of better use the argument that gay marriage only affects those are gay, but this is completely false. By changing the definition of marriage, it completely opens up the door for more interpretations of marriage which affects society.

Another argument he used was how Roberts talked a lot about how the decision should stay  with the states. Something that he quoted was “we have no longer a Constitution; we are under the government of individual men, who for the time being have power to declare what the Constitution is, according to their own views of what it ought to mean”. By overruling what some states have delated as laws and completely discarding that, does raise concerns for the judicial role. He also made the point that just because it had the majority decision, it doesn’t mean that it has no basis in the Constitution.

Another argument that Roberts said was how this ruling was more based on the personal views on the other judges rather than law. Roberts pretty much called out the rest of the judges for deciding on this decision based on their personal beliefs rather than functioning of judges. He pointed out that there were no judges that are Christian or a South-Western which does play a part into how they view things. His last sentence really hit me. He said, “With each decision of ours that takes from the People a question properly left to them—with each decision that is unabashedly based not on law, but on the “reasoned judgment” of a bare majority of this Court—we move one step closer to being reminded of our impotence”. This ruling was based on the judges personal views and what the majority felt and not based on law.

These three arguments were used to make their case that gay marriage should not be legalized. As you can see, it is way more than just not wanting two people to get marriage. It has a larger affect on the institution of marriage and society. That is why it is so important that we have a firm stance on this matter and that we teach our children the correct principles. Although we cannot control what laws are passes and such, we do have control over what we raise our children to believe. We can either let our children be taught by the world ( satan's lies), or we can make sure that we are raising valiant disciple of Christ who know what is right and what is wrong regardless of what the world tells them. Like you said, it is so important that our homes to be centered around Christ.

Why Marriage?

Have you ever thought about the importance of marriage or the purpose of it? The purpose of marriage seems to be in question in the world today and the need for it as well. It is becoming more and more common to live with your partner before you are married and divorce rates are higher than they were 50 years ago. Why is marriage crumbling and why does it matter? 

From personal experience, I have heard from friends and family members of why they choose cohabitation. The most common theory I hear is the "test the car before you buy it" theory. I hear so many people say that they want to live with each other before they get married so they can see if they are compatible enough. Although this thinking may make sense, it does not work and couples who cohabitate before they marry are more likely to get divorced.  Not only is marriage on the decline, but divorce is on the rise. But why should we care? What value does marriage bring to society?

According to the "State of Our Unions", "Marriage is not merely a private arrangement; it is also a complex social institution. Marriage fosters small cooperative unions—also known as stable families—that enable children to thrive, shore up communities, and help family members to succeed during good times and to weather the bad times". It is more than just a piece of paper, marriage helps strengthen families and benefits our children more than we know. Not only does the union of marriage benefit the couple in many aspects, but it has a profound affect on the children. Children are less likely to thrive and grow up into successful adults in a home where the parents are cohabiting together. I feel like if people recognized the benefits children have living in a home with married parents, then they would reconsider their life style.

Sources: State of Our Unions 2012; The National Marriage Project

 

Another Parenting Blog??

Yes, sorry another parenting blog!! I just have so much to say on the topic and I am very passionate about it. There are so many different ways to parent and so many different books that tell you the correct way to raise your child. Some may not all preach the correct way, but if a parent is going out and trying to find the right teachings then you know that child is loved! Any parent that is willing to put forth the effort into trying to raise the best child that they can is definitely a parent that loves that child. Although we may love our child very much, parents are going to make mistakes. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that when I become a mom, I am going to make mistakes. And a lot of them. But with reading a lot of parenting books and taking a lot of classes, I hope to make a little bit less with the knowledge that I have learned. So I hope to instill some knowledge with you that you find worth reading!
How encouraging are you as a parent? Do you encourage them to the point where they feel a lot of pressure from you? Sometimes what we may think is encouraging, may after come off as discouraging to our child.

Here are some things that might apply to you.
If you are discourages you may:
- Focus on their mistakes or weaknesses
-Expect the worse from them or even too little
-Expect too much
-Being overprotective

If you are encouraging you may:
-Praise their strengths
-Show confidence in them
-Value the child as they are
-Stimulate Independence

These are just a few things that you may want to think about when you are trying to encourage and be there for your child. If we have more warmth and consistency with our child then there won't be a need with much strictness.

How To Parent

So I don't have any kids yet or anywhere NEAR to having kids so you're probably thinking,"How on earth do you know anything about raising kids?". Well, I don't. I mean not from personal experience anyway. But I have been taking a lot of classes that deal with parenting and the best way to parent and I have gained a lot of insight. I know it's probably hard to take advice from someone who doesn't know the struggles of raising a child, but just try to hear me out!
We all want to avoid harsh punishment with our kids right? We don't enjoy making our child feel worse for something that they did wrong. But how are they going to learn right? This thinking is completely outdated! If your child already feels wrong for something they did, why are we so quick to think making them feel worse will not only make them not do it again, but help the relationship between the child and parent? There are many alternative ways to deal with a child that does something wrong.

First Step: Identify with your child the specific act that was wrong
Second Step: Describe to your child the impact of that act
Third Step: Give a suggestion for one or more alternatives to the bad behavior
Fourth Step: A direct statement of what the punishment should be
Fifth Step: Give a statement of your expectation that your child will do better next time

Following these steps when punishing your child should be consistent and swiftly given, but never harsh! If we as parents want to build a healthy, loving relationship with our child, we need to start treating our children with respect. How can we expect respect if none is given?

Sources: "The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting" By Dr. Steinberg

Importance of Money

We need money to survive today. This is a fact that I do not think that will change anytime soon. But how important is money? I feel like it can be very easy to become obsessed with how much money we have or need to live comfortably. We live in a world where we need the newest car, the newest iPhone, or a vacation home up in the woods. But sometimes having all these nice things can come at a price. There are many households who have a duel income because they want to have the extra money. These couples want to make sure that their families have everything they need and more. But you actually end up losing money. Think about it. The more you have, the more you spend. I have noticed that in my life. When I had a job back home, I did not have to worry about spending $20 on a shirt because I was making that money. But know that I am up at college, I budget so much more. When homes have a duel income, you end up spending home. So it is really that important that the mom goes to work and leaves the children with a nanny? Is it worth not having the mother raise the children?

Wanting to have a lot of money and feel comfortable isn't necessarily bad, but it is one of those things where could focusing your time on your family be better. I heard that the battle in the world isn't good vs evil, but rather good vs more good. Having that boat isn't a bad thing, but if you are working 20 hours overtime to pay it off, it is worth missing out on family time? I think families that struggle with this need to make good shifts that strengthen the family. Something that we should remember is no success will overcome failure in the home. We need to look at what is our priority and if it is not our spouse and children, then we need to reevaluate ourselves.

Counseling with Each other

This week I learned about the importance of counseling with those we love and the importance of expressing how we feel in a loving way. When we express our pain to someone we love with blame, then that person will automatically become defensive. Say someone you love likes to make jokes that hurt your feelings. If you were to confront them in a way such as,"You know, you are such a jerk when you say things like that and it is the reason why I have low self esteem", they are most likely to become defensive. You just insulted them while trying to express how you feel. But if you were to express how you feel without blame, then it evokes compassion. For example saying something like,"You know, I don't appreciatedwhen you say those things because it hurts my feelings". You are telling that person that they have hurt your feelings and what they did to hurt your feelings. Confronting someone can be very difficult, but if done in the right way, you can receive positive results.

A scripture that I love is Proverbs 11:14. It states,"Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety". I love this scripture because it talks about the important of counseling with our council. I recently had an experience that has strengthen my testimony in counseling with our councils. This morning, my two roommates (who is my best friend and cousin) got into an argument. They are both pretty suborn so I knew that I would probably have to step in if things were to be resolved. I remember learning about a family council meeting and decided to apply that principle to this situation. Although one of my roommates really did not want to sit down and talk about things, I pleaded with her until she agreed. I started with a prayer to hopefully bring in the Spirit and then let them talk. I was sort of the mediator and made sure that no one would cut each other off or make sure that no one would roll their eyes. It was amazing to me that after we had sat down and talked, how we were able to clear things up. It ended up just being a lot of miscommunication that resulted in feelings being hurt, but after talking it out we were able to fix everything. I am so grateful that we decided to do that and I know that it really strengthened our friendship with each other.

Crisis=Shared Challenge

I recently heard someone say that it is important to view the crises in our families as a shared challenge. I absolutely LOVE this way of thinking and what we can learn from it. When a family goes through a crisis and they try to help each other through it, they will be able to function better. There is no doubt that there will be stressors in our lives and that our families will be put to the test. That is why we choose to come to this earth, isn't it? So how can we make sure that our family comes out stronger, rather than weaker? I think the way we think is a huge indicator on if we will survive a crisis in our life. Those with a positive outlook on life and deal with struggles with an optimistic view are more likely to come together as a stronger family. Sometimes it may be hard to look for the positives, but there is always something. I recently did a case study for one of my classes and it talked about a family who had three young boys. They had a flood in one of their homes and then a couple years later had a fire that was caused by one of the boys on accident. Both times the family was able to have a positive outlook on their situation. How did they do this during such a hard time? They talked about how they were able to become closer to one another when they lived in the motel. They tried to maintain normalcy by giving them responsibilities and also involving the kids in the process. Instead of the family trying to deal with their stresses on their own, they turned to each other during this hard time and I believe that it why they succeeded.

When things do get tough and it becomes hard to change our negative thinking, try to offer your thoughts to the Lord and ask Him to change you're thinking.  I know that when we involve the Lord in our lives, especially  during the hard times, He will bless us. It may not be in the way that we plan/think, but I know He will bless us nonetheless. I think it is also important to learn from our past stresses/crises in our lives. Think back to what we did wrong or what we wish we would have done. Take what you wish you would have done and use that to better cope for the next trial in your life. Being prepared for any possible stressors/crises will definitely help you stand strong during those times.

Making Love, Not Sex

I feel as though the term "making love" is not as common as it used to be. It is more and more common to hear someone that they have had sex with someone rather than made love with that person. There are a few reasons I believe this is the case. I feel as though sex has become less of an intimate act between someone you love, but rather a recreational sport you can do with just about anyone. It is not longer valued as a gift that you can give to your significant other, but a way to pass time. It is not viewed as a sacred act between a man and a woman anymore. I feel like it has become more of a selfish thing today. Instead of looking at sex as something to give to your partner to make her/him happy, people do it just for the pleasure they receive themselves. This warped thinking of sex adds to the view of having sex just for fun and not to grow closer with your partner.

When you are married, being intimate and making love are very important to having a successful marriage. Now being intimate with someone is different from making love. I want to make that clear because for a long time I have thought that those two are the same thing! But being intimate with someone means having that physical touch like being close with someone, hugging, kissing or making out, holding hands. It does not have to be sexual intercourse. These things, of course, can lead to making love which makes a person less stress and more positive in mood the next day (Burleson, Trevathan, and Todd 2007). This can lead to the improvement of the relationship so that is why it is so important to have that physical aspect of the marriage so strong. Sometimes I feel like talking about making love is taboo in our mormon culture because we talk about how wrong it is outside the bonds of marriage. I feel like we need to do better about talking about how it is a beautiful gift from God and that we need to embrace the want to be physical with our spouse. This way people won't feel so uncomfortable when it comes to the time when they are actually married and are allowed to make love with their spouse. I also think it is important to talk with our children young about sex and the different feelings that they will get throughout puberty so they feel comfortable coming to you with questions and not someone else.

I feel like reverting back to the term making love would turn the act of sexual intercourse into a more intimate and sacred one and then maybe will not be so quick to have sex with just anyone.

Cohabitation=Stronger Marriage?

 I remember it wasn't until a couple semesters ago that I have thought living with your partner before you are married would increase your chances for a successful marriage. I mean it's common sense right? If you were to live together you are able to see if you would be able to be married together. You will see if you can spend 24/7 with that person and deal with them at all times. Makes sense right? I mean wouldn't you want to see if you are compatible with someone before you are married? Well that is what I thought too until I took a marriage prep class at my school and I read the statistics. People who live together before marriage are more likely to get divorced then those who do not live together before marriage. There are so many statistics that prove the damaging effects of cohabitation and also the benefits of waiting till marriage to live together. Couples that cohabit are more likely to higher to have acts violence, have more health problems, and children who are born into parents that cohabit are five times more likely experience parental separation. On the other hand, couples that wait have a better sex life, better quality of relationship, and overall have greater happiness.

It is interesting to find as well that couples who live together before are more likely to have poorer marital problem-solving skills. I think something that is not as obvious to people is when two people more in together beforehand, they are like roommates. They each have their own stuff but it's not THEIR stuff. This translates into their marriage where they still have a hard time looking at their things as something they own together. This way of thinking can be very detrimental to their marriage. They don't have that shared foundation like couples who don't cohabit to. Reading more into why living together  before marriage is bad really opened my eyes and I hope the few words I said opened yours too!

Sources: Marriage and Family By Lauer and Lauer

Why Arn't We Dating Anymore?

I do not know how many times I have heard someone say "oh we are just hanging out" in response to someone asking them if they are dating. Suddenly the term 'dating' has become replaced with 'hanging out'. I remember having a conversation with a good friend of mine and I asked him how he starts dating someone. He says it usually starts out by hanging out with the girl either at her apartment or his apartment a lot. Then after a couple weeks of doing that, and realizing that they like each other, he will finally ask her out on a date. He said he is much more comfortable just hanging out doing nothing with that person instead of planning and taking the girl on a date. I was so annoyed! This is the problem with a lot of guys nowadays and I know girls that are okay with this too. Guys wait until they have really gotten to know the girl before he makes his decision to ask her on a date. Because asking a girl on a date is this huge commitment and means you want to  marry them right? WRONG!
Guys need to get in their head that going on a lot of dates with a lot of girls is actually preparing them for marriage!

There are a lot of positives to asking girls on dates and it shows a lot about the guys character. For one, it shows that he has commitment. Asking a girl out in advance and planning the date is showing the girl that he is taking his time, energy and is committed to showing her a nice night. It also shows other qualities such as being the protector, being able to provide, and preside. Things that are important to a girl! I feel like our dating culture has turned into dating only those who you see yourself being romantically involved with. This is so wrong! Guys and girls need to be going on dates with all sorts of people. This not only helps you get to know more people but it also helps you get closer to finding the person you want to marry.

So basically... GO ON DATES!

Gender Roles

What does gender roles mean to you? I have thought more and more about this topic and realize that it is not as simple as I previously thought. I feel like back in the days of my grandparents, gender roles were pretty cut and dry. The man was assertive, strong, protective, and the bread winner while the woman was with the kids at home, more timid, sensitive, and more verbal. As society progresses more and more, these attributes are becoming interchangeable between sexes and I think it is a good thing. Men and women are different and definitely bring different things to the table, but nothing is wrong with both the man and woman having the same attributes. I think we spend a lot of focus on how one gender can only have certain specific roles, but in reality that is not the case. I think we should brace each others differences but we shouldn't put a label on how we think the man and woman should act.

Let me explain. When kids are going up, you usually see the little boys playing with the cars and trucks and you see the little girls playing dress up and with dolls. In most cases, that is the scenario that you will see. But what if you see a little boy playing with dolls? Or wanting to dress in his older sister's dress? What thoughts are going through your mind? Are you thinking about how the boy is going to grow up confused and probably gay? Or are you thinking about how he is just a curious boy who wants to play with a doll and that's it? For a lot of people, they are having the first thought and this causing a lot of problems. For boys who rather stay inside and paint inside of going outside and play in the dirt, they can grow up with a lot of confusion. Parents may assume that because their boy is more sensitive that he is gay, or he may be outcasted by his male peers because he doesn't want to do everything they do. Boys who wouldn't think they are gay are having thoughts that they might be because of what is being projected onto them. Although they may not want to be, they try to be gay because that is what everyone is telling them. This is such a sad scenario because it happens so much and it seems it is only one sided. If a little girl is more tomboyish, no one says anything. In fact, they think it is cute! So why is it that is boys growing up are a little more sensitive that we automatically think that something is wrong? If we educate people and let them know that things like that is normal, then I think we can help so many boys feeling confused about their sexuality.

Culture and the Family

I've grown up in a middle class and frankly, I have grateful for it. I have never thought how much growing up middle class had an affect on my life, but the culture that comes from the class that you are in definitely has an effect. In high school, I witnessed this very much. It was easy to tell which students come from families that have a lot of money, those who had an average amount, and those who did not have as much. There were expectations, but for the most part the students would usually just associate with their class. Those with a lot of money would have all these big, expensive parties and they were exclusive. It was interesting to observe the attitude that people from a certain class would have. Many times, the rich kids would have a spoiled and entitled attitude about them which made them not very likable. Those from a lower class were timid, and usually kept to themselves. For myself, growing up in a middle class, I was lucky enough to have the things that I needed/wanted growing up, but still remain humble about it.

The family dynamic is hugely affected by the social-economic status that they are in. With lower income families, you usually have both parents working multiple jobs just trying to make ends meet. This means less time for everyone to spend time together. This definitely can put a huge strain on the relationships together. It's sad to me because I see a lot of families that are lower class who want to climb that ladder to middle class, but they just can't seem to get out that rut. They usually barely finish high school and do not go on to college. They get a job that barely covers the cost, and it is very hard for them to save for the future. The kids see this and usually want to go on to college so they do not live the same life, but for many of them they cannot get out of their circumstances and the cycle continues.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37ZpauS5Doo

You can view an example of this by watching Tammy's story.

Theories and Relationships

Something that I have been thinking a lot lately is the exchange theory. After learning about different system theories, I feel like this one in particular stood out to me because I have experienced this one before. Exchange theory is also known as the "give and take" theory. This can be an extremely dangerous concept to have, particularly in a relationship. The idea of expecting something when we do something for someone else is not a healthy way to live, and quite frankly, a selfish one. I have met people in my life where if they do a favor for you, they will hold on to it and remind you of the time they have done something nice in order for you to do something for them. It amazes me when people can go through their life having the attitude of "what is it in it for me?". I feel like these type of people will never be completely satisfied in a relationship and could never really have a happy, healthy relationship. To have a strong relationship, there has to be selflessness involved. You need to be caring, thoughtful, and serving. Instead of thinking "what is in it for me?", think instead "how can I serve my other half better?".

Another thing that I have been thinking about is important communication is in a relationship. Not only is it important to have an open line of communication, but also to recognize how people can take things differently. An example that I heard was how a woman could want to talk about the problems in the relationship and want to share their feelings about the situation. The husband, on the other hand, did not want to say anything because he loves his wife so much and does not have to start any contention but starting a fight. So in result, he does not respond when the wife wants to talk about their problems and the wife takes this as him not caring. But in reality, it was the husband wanting to spare her feelings. It is so easy to take things the wrong way and if we don't address mishaps like this one, it can really put a strain on the relationship. That is why I feel it is so important to people to talk about how they feel!! If you are in a relationship where you can not be open and talk about the hard things, then is that really a relationship you want to be in?

Can We Be Too Accepting?

I recently watched a video called "College Kids Say the Darndest Things: On Identity". It was very interesting to watch and listen to people's reaction as the guy interviewed and asked people questions.  He started out with asking people on a college campus how they would feel he told them that he was a women. All of them were very supportive which is not surprising, but then he asked what would you say if I was Chinese? They were definitely more hesitate to answer this question but still had the attitude of "you do you". The questions kept getting more and more specific and more ridiculous, finally ending with "what would you say if I was a 6'7" Chinese woman? Being an averaged height white man, the obvious answer is no you are not. But once again the people that were interviewed continued on saying that he could be that if he wanted to. It was super interesting to watch people struggle with telling him that he wasn't. It was seriously so funny to me and frankly kinda sad. Are we really so scared to offend people that we can't even tell people that they clearly are not 6'7" when they really are 5 feet?

Although I feel like we should be sensitive to people's feeling, I think people are starting to take this to the extreme. We should not have to accommodate to every single person who "feels" they are something else that they are not. Just because a man thinks he is seven years old, that does not mean that he should be allowed to be in a class room with seven year olds. Not only does this create problems for the man, but also the children. Their relationships with adults could be altered in result of something like this happening. People think they are doing no harm to no one by completely changing themselves, but in reality they are changing society.

Introduction

Hi Everyone! My name is Kiley Prince and this is my first time doing a blog so hopefully this turns out!! Just a little bit about me,  I am from Gilbert, Arizona and currently attend BYU-Idado. This is my sixth semester and I am a marriage and family major and I hope to be a marriage or family therapist. This blog is for me to write to my thoughts and feelings about the family and all the important issues that surround the family.