Cohabitation=Stronger Marriage?

 I remember it wasn't until a couple semesters ago that I have thought living with your partner before you are married would increase your chances for a successful marriage. I mean it's common sense right? If you were to live together you are able to see if you would be able to be married together. You will see if you can spend 24/7 with that person and deal with them at all times. Makes sense right? I mean wouldn't you want to see if you are compatible with someone before you are married? Well that is what I thought too until I took a marriage prep class at my school and I read the statistics. People who live together before marriage are more likely to get divorced then those who do not live together before marriage. There are so many statistics that prove the damaging effects of cohabitation and also the benefits of waiting till marriage to live together. Couples that cohabit are more likely to higher to have acts violence, have more health problems, and children who are born into parents that cohabit are five times more likely experience parental separation. On the other hand, couples that wait have a better sex life, better quality of relationship, and overall have greater happiness.

It is interesting to find as well that couples who live together before are more likely to have poorer marital problem-solving skills. I think something that is not as obvious to people is when two people more in together beforehand, they are like roommates. They each have their own stuff but it's not THEIR stuff. This translates into their marriage where they still have a hard time looking at their things as something they own together. This way of thinking can be very detrimental to their marriage. They don't have that shared foundation like couples who don't cohabit to. Reading more into why living together  before marriage is bad really opened my eyes and I hope the few words I said opened yours too!

Sources: Marriage and Family By Lauer and Lauer

Why Arn't We Dating Anymore?

I do not know how many times I have heard someone say "oh we are just hanging out" in response to someone asking them if they are dating. Suddenly the term 'dating' has become replaced with 'hanging out'. I remember having a conversation with a good friend of mine and I asked him how he starts dating someone. He says it usually starts out by hanging out with the girl either at her apartment or his apartment a lot. Then after a couple weeks of doing that, and realizing that they like each other, he will finally ask her out on a date. He said he is much more comfortable just hanging out doing nothing with that person instead of planning and taking the girl on a date. I was so annoyed! This is the problem with a lot of guys nowadays and I know girls that are okay with this too. Guys wait until they have really gotten to know the girl before he makes his decision to ask her on a date. Because asking a girl on a date is this huge commitment and means you want to  marry them right? WRONG!
Guys need to get in their head that going on a lot of dates with a lot of girls is actually preparing them for marriage!

There are a lot of positives to asking girls on dates and it shows a lot about the guys character. For one, it shows that he has commitment. Asking a girl out in advance and planning the date is showing the girl that he is taking his time, energy and is committed to showing her a nice night. It also shows other qualities such as being the protector, being able to provide, and preside. Things that are important to a girl! I feel like our dating culture has turned into dating only those who you see yourself being romantically involved with. This is so wrong! Guys and girls need to be going on dates with all sorts of people. This not only helps you get to know more people but it also helps you get closer to finding the person you want to marry.

So basically... GO ON DATES!

Gender Roles

What does gender roles mean to you? I have thought more and more about this topic and realize that it is not as simple as I previously thought. I feel like back in the days of my grandparents, gender roles were pretty cut and dry. The man was assertive, strong, protective, and the bread winner while the woman was with the kids at home, more timid, sensitive, and more verbal. As society progresses more and more, these attributes are becoming interchangeable between sexes and I think it is a good thing. Men and women are different and definitely bring different things to the table, but nothing is wrong with both the man and woman having the same attributes. I think we spend a lot of focus on how one gender can only have certain specific roles, but in reality that is not the case. I think we should brace each others differences but we shouldn't put a label on how we think the man and woman should act.

Let me explain. When kids are going up, you usually see the little boys playing with the cars and trucks and you see the little girls playing dress up and with dolls. In most cases, that is the scenario that you will see. But what if you see a little boy playing with dolls? Or wanting to dress in his older sister's dress? What thoughts are going through your mind? Are you thinking about how the boy is going to grow up confused and probably gay? Or are you thinking about how he is just a curious boy who wants to play with a doll and that's it? For a lot of people, they are having the first thought and this causing a lot of problems. For boys who rather stay inside and paint inside of going outside and play in the dirt, they can grow up with a lot of confusion. Parents may assume that because their boy is more sensitive that he is gay, or he may be outcasted by his male peers because he doesn't want to do everything they do. Boys who wouldn't think they are gay are having thoughts that they might be because of what is being projected onto them. Although they may not want to be, they try to be gay because that is what everyone is telling them. This is such a sad scenario because it happens so much and it seems it is only one sided. If a little girl is more tomboyish, no one says anything. In fact, they think it is cute! So why is it that is boys growing up are a little more sensitive that we automatically think that something is wrong? If we educate people and let them know that things like that is normal, then I think we can help so many boys feeling confused about their sexuality.

Culture and the Family

I've grown up in a middle class and frankly, I have grateful for it. I have never thought how much growing up middle class had an affect on my life, but the culture that comes from the class that you are in definitely has an effect. In high school, I witnessed this very much. It was easy to tell which students come from families that have a lot of money, those who had an average amount, and those who did not have as much. There were expectations, but for the most part the students would usually just associate with their class. Those with a lot of money would have all these big, expensive parties and they were exclusive. It was interesting to observe the attitude that people from a certain class would have. Many times, the rich kids would have a spoiled and entitled attitude about them which made them not very likable. Those from a lower class were timid, and usually kept to themselves. For myself, growing up in a middle class, I was lucky enough to have the things that I needed/wanted growing up, but still remain humble about it.

The family dynamic is hugely affected by the social-economic status that they are in. With lower income families, you usually have both parents working multiple jobs just trying to make ends meet. This means less time for everyone to spend time together. This definitely can put a huge strain on the relationships together. It's sad to me because I see a lot of families that are lower class who want to climb that ladder to middle class, but they just can't seem to get out that rut. They usually barely finish high school and do not go on to college. They get a job that barely covers the cost, and it is very hard for them to save for the future. The kids see this and usually want to go on to college so they do not live the same life, but for many of them they cannot get out of their circumstances and the cycle continues.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37ZpauS5Doo

You can view an example of this by watching Tammy's story.

Theories and Relationships

Something that I have been thinking a lot lately is the exchange theory. After learning about different system theories, I feel like this one in particular stood out to me because I have experienced this one before. Exchange theory is also known as the "give and take" theory. This can be an extremely dangerous concept to have, particularly in a relationship. The idea of expecting something when we do something for someone else is not a healthy way to live, and quite frankly, a selfish one. I have met people in my life where if they do a favor for you, they will hold on to it and remind you of the time they have done something nice in order for you to do something for them. It amazes me when people can go through their life having the attitude of "what is it in it for me?". I feel like these type of people will never be completely satisfied in a relationship and could never really have a happy, healthy relationship. To have a strong relationship, there has to be selflessness involved. You need to be caring, thoughtful, and serving. Instead of thinking "what is in it for me?", think instead "how can I serve my other half better?".

Another thing that I have been thinking about is important communication is in a relationship. Not only is it important to have an open line of communication, but also to recognize how people can take things differently. An example that I heard was how a woman could want to talk about the problems in the relationship and want to share their feelings about the situation. The husband, on the other hand, did not want to say anything because he loves his wife so much and does not have to start any contention but starting a fight. So in result, he does not respond when the wife wants to talk about their problems and the wife takes this as him not caring. But in reality, it was the husband wanting to spare her feelings. It is so easy to take things the wrong way and if we don't address mishaps like this one, it can really put a strain on the relationship. That is why I feel it is so important to people to talk about how they feel!! If you are in a relationship where you can not be open and talk about the hard things, then is that really a relationship you want to be in?

Can We Be Too Accepting?

I recently watched a video called "College Kids Say the Darndest Things: On Identity". It was very interesting to watch and listen to people's reaction as the guy interviewed and asked people questions.  He started out with asking people on a college campus how they would feel he told them that he was a women. All of them were very supportive which is not surprising, but then he asked what would you say if I was Chinese? They were definitely more hesitate to answer this question but still had the attitude of "you do you". The questions kept getting more and more specific and more ridiculous, finally ending with "what would you say if I was a 6'7" Chinese woman? Being an averaged height white man, the obvious answer is no you are not. But once again the people that were interviewed continued on saying that he could be that if he wanted to. It was super interesting to watch people struggle with telling him that he wasn't. It was seriously so funny to me and frankly kinda sad. Are we really so scared to offend people that we can't even tell people that they clearly are not 6'7" when they really are 5 feet?

Although I feel like we should be sensitive to people's feeling, I think people are starting to take this to the extreme. We should not have to accommodate to every single person who "feels" they are something else that they are not. Just because a man thinks he is seven years old, that does not mean that he should be allowed to be in a class room with seven year olds. Not only does this create problems for the man, but also the children. Their relationships with adults could be altered in result of something like this happening. People think they are doing no harm to no one by completely changing themselves, but in reality they are changing society.