Why Marriage?

Have you ever thought about the importance of marriage or the purpose of it? The purpose of marriage seems to be in question in the world today and the need for it as well. It is becoming more and more common to live with your partner before you are married and divorce rates are higher than they were 50 years ago. Why is marriage crumbling and why does it matter? 

From personal experience, I have heard from friends and family members of why they choose cohabitation. The most common theory I hear is the "test the car before you buy it" theory. I hear so many people say that they want to live with each other before they get married so they can see if they are compatible enough. Although this thinking may make sense, it does not work and couples who cohabitate before they marry are more likely to get divorced.  Not only is marriage on the decline, but divorce is on the rise. But why should we care? What value does marriage bring to society?

According to the "State of Our Unions", "Marriage is not merely a private arrangement; it is also a complex social institution. Marriage fosters small cooperative unions—also known as stable families—that enable children to thrive, shore up communities, and help family members to succeed during good times and to weather the bad times". It is more than just a piece of paper, marriage helps strengthen families and benefits our children more than we know. Not only does the union of marriage benefit the couple in many aspects, but it has a profound affect on the children. Children are less likely to thrive and grow up into successful adults in a home where the parents are cohabiting together. I feel like if people recognized the benefits children have living in a home with married parents, then they would reconsider their life style.

Sources: State of Our Unions 2012; The National Marriage Project

 

Another Parenting Blog??

Yes, sorry another parenting blog!! I just have so much to say on the topic and I am very passionate about it. There are so many different ways to parent and so many different books that tell you the correct way to raise your child. Some may not all preach the correct way, but if a parent is going out and trying to find the right teachings then you know that child is loved! Any parent that is willing to put forth the effort into trying to raise the best child that they can is definitely a parent that loves that child. Although we may love our child very much, parents are going to make mistakes. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that when I become a mom, I am going to make mistakes. And a lot of them. But with reading a lot of parenting books and taking a lot of classes, I hope to make a little bit less with the knowledge that I have learned. So I hope to instill some knowledge with you that you find worth reading!
How encouraging are you as a parent? Do you encourage them to the point where they feel a lot of pressure from you? Sometimes what we may think is encouraging, may after come off as discouraging to our child.

Here are some things that might apply to you.
If you are discourages you may:
- Focus on their mistakes or weaknesses
-Expect the worse from them or even too little
-Expect too much
-Being overprotective

If you are encouraging you may:
-Praise their strengths
-Show confidence in them
-Value the child as they are
-Stimulate Independence

These are just a few things that you may want to think about when you are trying to encourage and be there for your child. If we have more warmth and consistency with our child then there won't be a need with much strictness.

How To Parent

So I don't have any kids yet or anywhere NEAR to having kids so you're probably thinking,"How on earth do you know anything about raising kids?". Well, I don't. I mean not from personal experience anyway. But I have been taking a lot of classes that deal with parenting and the best way to parent and I have gained a lot of insight. I know it's probably hard to take advice from someone who doesn't know the struggles of raising a child, but just try to hear me out!
We all want to avoid harsh punishment with our kids right? We don't enjoy making our child feel worse for something that they did wrong. But how are they going to learn right? This thinking is completely outdated! If your child already feels wrong for something they did, why are we so quick to think making them feel worse will not only make them not do it again, but help the relationship between the child and parent? There are many alternative ways to deal with a child that does something wrong.

First Step: Identify with your child the specific act that was wrong
Second Step: Describe to your child the impact of that act
Third Step: Give a suggestion for one or more alternatives to the bad behavior
Fourth Step: A direct statement of what the punishment should be
Fifth Step: Give a statement of your expectation that your child will do better next time

Following these steps when punishing your child should be consistent and swiftly given, but never harsh! If we as parents want to build a healthy, loving relationship with our child, we need to start treating our children with respect. How can we expect respect if none is given?

Sources: "The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting" By Dr. Steinberg

Importance of Money

We need money to survive today. This is a fact that I do not think that will change anytime soon. But how important is money? I feel like it can be very easy to become obsessed with how much money we have or need to live comfortably. We live in a world where we need the newest car, the newest iPhone, or a vacation home up in the woods. But sometimes having all these nice things can come at a price. There are many households who have a duel income because they want to have the extra money. These couples want to make sure that their families have everything they need and more. But you actually end up losing money. Think about it. The more you have, the more you spend. I have noticed that in my life. When I had a job back home, I did not have to worry about spending $20 on a shirt because I was making that money. But know that I am up at college, I budget so much more. When homes have a duel income, you end up spending home. So it is really that important that the mom goes to work and leaves the children with a nanny? Is it worth not having the mother raise the children?

Wanting to have a lot of money and feel comfortable isn't necessarily bad, but it is one of those things where could focusing your time on your family be better. I heard that the battle in the world isn't good vs evil, but rather good vs more good. Having that boat isn't a bad thing, but if you are working 20 hours overtime to pay it off, it is worth missing out on family time? I think families that struggle with this need to make good shifts that strengthen the family. Something that we should remember is no success will overcome failure in the home. We need to look at what is our priority and if it is not our spouse and children, then we need to reevaluate ourselves.

Counseling with Each other

This week I learned about the importance of counseling with those we love and the importance of expressing how we feel in a loving way. When we express our pain to someone we love with blame, then that person will automatically become defensive. Say someone you love likes to make jokes that hurt your feelings. If you were to confront them in a way such as,"You know, you are such a jerk when you say things like that and it is the reason why I have low self esteem", they are most likely to become defensive. You just insulted them while trying to express how you feel. But if you were to express how you feel without blame, then it evokes compassion. For example saying something like,"You know, I don't appreciatedwhen you say those things because it hurts my feelings". You are telling that person that they have hurt your feelings and what they did to hurt your feelings. Confronting someone can be very difficult, but if done in the right way, you can receive positive results.

A scripture that I love is Proverbs 11:14. It states,"Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety". I love this scripture because it talks about the important of counseling with our council. I recently had an experience that has strengthen my testimony in counseling with our councils. This morning, my two roommates (who is my best friend and cousin) got into an argument. They are both pretty suborn so I knew that I would probably have to step in if things were to be resolved. I remember learning about a family council meeting and decided to apply that principle to this situation. Although one of my roommates really did not want to sit down and talk about things, I pleaded with her until she agreed. I started with a prayer to hopefully bring in the Spirit and then let them talk. I was sort of the mediator and made sure that no one would cut each other off or make sure that no one would roll their eyes. It was amazing to me that after we had sat down and talked, how we were able to clear things up. It ended up just being a lot of miscommunication that resulted in feelings being hurt, but after talking it out we were able to fix everything. I am so grateful that we decided to do that and I know that it really strengthened our friendship with each other.

Crisis=Shared Challenge

I recently heard someone say that it is important to view the crises in our families as a shared challenge. I absolutely LOVE this way of thinking and what we can learn from it. When a family goes through a crisis and they try to help each other through it, they will be able to function better. There is no doubt that there will be stressors in our lives and that our families will be put to the test. That is why we choose to come to this earth, isn't it? So how can we make sure that our family comes out stronger, rather than weaker? I think the way we think is a huge indicator on if we will survive a crisis in our life. Those with a positive outlook on life and deal with struggles with an optimistic view are more likely to come together as a stronger family. Sometimes it may be hard to look for the positives, but there is always something. I recently did a case study for one of my classes and it talked about a family who had three young boys. They had a flood in one of their homes and then a couple years later had a fire that was caused by one of the boys on accident. Both times the family was able to have a positive outlook on their situation. How did they do this during such a hard time? They talked about how they were able to become closer to one another when they lived in the motel. They tried to maintain normalcy by giving them responsibilities and also involving the kids in the process. Instead of the family trying to deal with their stresses on their own, they turned to each other during this hard time and I believe that it why they succeeded.

When things do get tough and it becomes hard to change our negative thinking, try to offer your thoughts to the Lord and ask Him to change you're thinking.  I know that when we involve the Lord in our lives, especially  during the hard times, He will bless us. It may not be in the way that we plan/think, but I know He will bless us nonetheless. I think it is also important to learn from our past stresses/crises in our lives. Think back to what we did wrong or what we wish we would have done. Take what you wish you would have done and use that to better cope for the next trial in your life. Being prepared for any possible stressors/crises will definitely help you stand strong during those times.

Making Love, Not Sex

I feel as though the term "making love" is not as common as it used to be. It is more and more common to hear someone that they have had sex with someone rather than made love with that person. There are a few reasons I believe this is the case. I feel as though sex has become less of an intimate act between someone you love, but rather a recreational sport you can do with just about anyone. It is not longer valued as a gift that you can give to your significant other, but a way to pass time. It is not viewed as a sacred act between a man and a woman anymore. I feel like it has become more of a selfish thing today. Instead of looking at sex as something to give to your partner to make her/him happy, people do it just for the pleasure they receive themselves. This warped thinking of sex adds to the view of having sex just for fun and not to grow closer with your partner.

When you are married, being intimate and making love are very important to having a successful marriage. Now being intimate with someone is different from making love. I want to make that clear because for a long time I have thought that those two are the same thing! But being intimate with someone means having that physical touch like being close with someone, hugging, kissing or making out, holding hands. It does not have to be sexual intercourse. These things, of course, can lead to making love which makes a person less stress and more positive in mood the next day (Burleson, Trevathan, and Todd 2007). This can lead to the improvement of the relationship so that is why it is so important to have that physical aspect of the marriage so strong. Sometimes I feel like talking about making love is taboo in our mormon culture because we talk about how wrong it is outside the bonds of marriage. I feel like we need to do better about talking about how it is a beautiful gift from God and that we need to embrace the want to be physical with our spouse. This way people won't feel so uncomfortable when it comes to the time when they are actually married and are allowed to make love with their spouse. I also think it is important to talk with our children young about sex and the different feelings that they will get throughout puberty so they feel comfortable coming to you with questions and not someone else.

I feel like reverting back to the term making love would turn the act of sexual intercourse into a more intimate and sacred one and then maybe will not be so quick to have sex with just anyone.